In My Life - old

for the past 5 months or so i have considered myself non-existant. because i just don't have a life... at least not a real one. i rarely see my friends - even because i'm never excited enough to do so, NOT because i don't like them or miss them, but just because the person in me lacks enthusiasm. i don't have a real job so a career is not even worth mentioning. i don't have real relationships as so to say.

and probably that's all 90% due to my waiting for a definition. of what to do with my life, i mean. and my being stubborn may help that 90% a little too.


then what happens when i get a NO?
well, what happens is that i will fall into a deep deep pitt and then i don't know how to stand or when i'll be able to stand again. but i do it, always, eventually. like the time i got bad news on an e-mail (which i'm now hoping to be fake). after going back home crying my eyes out, i had - not the need but - the CRAVING to see pictures... pictures of me in möllan, pictures of my old apartment, pictures of me with ludde, jontan and christian, e-mails and messages that mia, anders, maria and other friends from malmö send me or even my previous posts. just to make sure it wasn't all an illusion or alucination from my mind and it all really DID happen. i was there. with them. it happened.

and then the other day i felt this emptiness inside as if my absence will... kill the feeling i have for certain people and likewise you know? it's bad and scary...


well, in the middle of my poker game tonight, my good friend per(photo) comes talk to me and turns on his webcam. then he started looking me up on google earth.
i showed him where mogi das cruzes is and exactly where i am now and then decided to look for some places in malmö. have you ever used google earth and looked for different places??? well THAT was scary.

the map zoomed out and out and out and OUT... and then it ran accross brazil and over the atlantic and past portugal and spain and and and... my heart felt so tiny and i started feeling some stings... i'm so far away. and i miss everyone :~

again, i say: home is where your heart is.